Great mistakes

Since I am such a newcomer to the fitness world, it was a joy finally to hit on something I am good at:  mistakes!  Yes, I may stink at this exercise or that, I may crumble like a sandcastle when you tell me I've got to do "just 30 more seconds!"  I may crawl away from class like a man on his third day in the desert...but by golly, I know how to make mistakes.  Good ones.  In the interest of ensuring that you, too, can be great at something even if you have no freaking idea what you're doing, I am going to share some valuable lessons, free, from me to you.  Please believe me when I say I know what I'm talking about; I've done all of these, and some more than once.

It is a mistake to put on hand lotion before you handle weights. (Hard to forget that one; it left an indelible impression.)

It is a mistake to watch Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives while filling out your food diary for the day.

It is a mistake to expect sympathy from a trainer when you break a nail.

It is a mistake to buy your favorite snack food "for the kids".  You're not fooling anyone.  Step away from the bag, and no one gets hurt.

It is a mistake to tell a trainer, "I can't do any more of these" or "I can't do this exercise."  It is the fitness equivalent of ringing the dinner bell, and will get you much more attention than you anticipated.  So don't do it.

It is a mistake to watch Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives while eating your exactly-measured 4 ounces of low-fat protein with your one serving of carbs and one serving of fresh steamed broccoli.

It is a mistake - but a very tempting one, I'll admit - to count off seconds in your head during an exercise.  Trust me: it will never EVER be right.  You'll be doing a minute of something painful and just when you hit 55 seconds - the home stretch! - the trainer will say brightly, "Halfway there!" and then you will want to cry.  Don't count.  Just...I don't know, sing a song in your head or something.  Do your multiplication tables.  Think about your grocery list.  ANYTHING.  But don't count.

It is a mistake to sit down halfway through a workout.  I don't know why. But I've been told it's a Bad Thing.  So I just slump nonchalantly against the wall and try to act all casual, like everything's cool, just holding up the wall for a minute, how was your weekend, did you catch the game on Saturday, things like that.  Not that I'm getting away with anything, you understand.  The trainers totally see through it.  But I feel better about it.  And I'm not sitting down.

You know, it's just a mistake to watch Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, period.  Guy's gotta go.  Everybody wave goodbye to Guy.  Bye, Guy!

So that's all for today, but I promise you:  there will be more.  A lot more.  This is just enough to get you started.