Portions of the proceeding have been taken from The Crocodile Hunter by Steve and Terri Irwin.
Imagine all this with an Australian accent.
On greeting me at the door and being way too damn cheerful: "G'day, mate! Are you ready to work hard and improve yourself? Are you ready to make a profound difference in your life and the lives of the people who love you? LET'S GET STARTED!" [There is a 90% chance I would turn around and go home right here.]
On making me do squat jumps: "Crikey, mate, was that your knee that just popped?"
On my reaction after he tells me that the whole painful circuit I just completed will now be repeated: "Ohhh, that was naughty, you're a grumpy sheilah aren't you, but you're beautiful! [Speaking to TV audience] Now see, she tried to bite me but it's not her fault, it's my fault for putting pressure on her. I've got to be careful to respect her in her environment because if I don't, she'll tag me. That's nature's way!"
On my snarling at him when he tells me I have "just 20 more seconds!": "Beautiful!"
On telling me he wants to take an update picture: [Speaking to TV audience] "There's been an increasing number of reports of nuisance behavior displayed by this client from humans wandering into her territory with recording devices. The actual truth of this so-called nuisance behavior is that the poor old client is feeling threatened and reacting accordingly. What a shame! This client is a perfect example of a creature just trying to improve herself and she doesn't understand that recording devices, and the humans who carry them, won't hurt her."
On my glaring at him when he makes me do ropes: "Awesome!"
On him telling me to do a particular exercise that I despise above all others so I just say, "No": "Whether it's koalas or crocodiles or clients, we must begin to understand that they have rules just like trainers do. If we play by the rules we can coexist quite easily, even with the most awesome predators and customers."
On my swearing under my breath when he drops a big weight in my arms and tells me to hike it up in the air 20 times: "Gorgeous!"
On him showing me how to do a new exercise: "During our numerous demonstrations every day here at the gym, we show visitors how certain clients function in the wild. Whether it's an otter catching her own fish, or a saltwater crocodile trying to catch the keeper or a client trying to lift weights on the Bosu, every demonstration is a learning experience."
On my FINALLY making it through tricep dips: "What a little ripper!"
On my first-ever minute-long plank: "Holy snappin' duck poo!"
On sending me home after the workout: "My aim is to continue producing more workout programs to improve and enlighten. We'll take the audience to some of the wildest and remotest gyms in the world. I gain more power and understanding of clients if I'm right in among them, and I'm finding myself doing more and more of the filming, as it's hard or too dangerous to get a cameraman in as close as I want to be. Hearing, smelling, and seeing the client and its surroundings is always my prime objective. From here we're saving the world."
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